NOTE: This was originally posted in my notes on Facebook. I've moved it to my blog just to get started.
At 2:12am, we have begun another experiment to better understand the Effect of Emesis on Bathroom and Bedroom Surfaces. Here's what we know so far.
When a child, who's name will be kept confidential (but coincidentally rhymes with 'puke', wakes you up in the middle of the night stating, "Mom, I just threw up. But it's not too messy" you can immediately assume the following:
A) It is indeed VERY VERY MESSY
B) You should never underestimate an 8 year old boy's ability to projectile vomit
C) Sleep is for sissies with no kids
I walked into the bathroom to find that the stomach contents of Victim One had been emptied exactly on top of the closed toilet lid and had created what I can only describe as a vomitous atomic bomb. This immediately categorizes me as Victim Two. So here is where the science experiment begins.
Let the stomach contents be labeled as our Independent variable (IV), while our toilet lid will be the Dependent variable (DV). If the IV comes in contact with the DV in the DOWN position at an excessive rate of speed (I'm guessing 200 mph), the IV will immediately splash in all directions, reaching out to what I will guess is about a 5 foot radius. Said IV will cover and stick to all types of surfaces, including, but not limited to porcelein, linoleum, tub toys, vanity, walls, wastepaper baskets (inside and out), rugs, towels, and clothing and skin of both Victim One and Victim Two. The odor, however, knows no boundaries. It is undeniable, unexplainable, incomprehensible, undesirable, and uncontainable. This type of situation calls for 45 minutes of cleaning, involving Clorox Clean-up, Swiffer WetJet, Lysol and countless dish towels, bath towels, and paper towels. Oh, and a bath for V1 and a shower for V2.
Moving on to the second part of our experiment: having learned quickly after episode one, DV was place in the UP position in case of a spontaneous reenactment, which occurred approximately 30 minutes later. IV hit the target SPOT ON, and the only clean-up required was one flushing motion. Fabulous.
As for episodes 3, 4, 5, and 6 spaced evenly apart until 6:30 this morning: refer back to episode two.
What have we learned from this experiment?
1) Preparedness is key. Remove all obstacles between a child's mouth and an open toilet every night until they get married and move out of the house. I believe this might be the second time in Paulson history that the toilet lid was down. I have no idea how that happened. My toilet lids and seats are perpetually in the UP position. It is obviously my fault, as the only female in the house, for having tempted fate by putting the lid down. Epic fail on my part.
2) It takes approximately 30 minutes for a child's stomach to replenish it's supply of bile and approximately 0.2 seconds for the contents to empty itself. The process immediately begins again. Simply astonishing.
3) God really is amazing. He gave parents some sort of ability to withstand 4 hours of this type of experimentation without emptying the contents of her own stomach. How does that work?
3) I have the toughest kid on the planet. He has not complained even ONCE through it all, and is currently lying on the couch sipping flat 7-up and cuddling with what my nursing friends would refer to as an emesis basin, but that we affectionately call "the barf bucket".
Two thumbs up for my Lukie Boy!
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